***EvErYbOdY wAnTs ThE sAmE oLd ThInG***

We all want the same old things….we just find innovative ways to package our wants.

I’m sitting at the back of my dads first car (my two pig tails are wind blown) and Dad asks me, “What do you want, when you grow up? What do you want to be?” Rarely a 10 year old would be asked such a question. I rake my brains (I understand the gravity of this situation, “my small mind – the size of a pea” processes and is in overdrive, despite that I come up with the most “intelligent answer” I can think of) “Dad, I want to be someone who has one Ferrari parked in the driveway, driveway as long as the road that we are driving on and dogs everywhere, all kinds, and then house bigger than Windsor Manor (you have to hand it to my imagination!)”. I think my dad did slow down a little, I bet that wasn’t the answer he was expecting. Very literature rich answer. He says to me (trying very hard to keep the calm in his voice) “Beta…we should ask for things we can do and not for things that are unrealistic”. I thought, what was unrealistic, I will be super rich one day, and I can ofcourse buy all that…!! Dads, tosh…what do they know!”

I’m sitting next to dad, in the passengers’ seat, in his second car. My one pig tail is wind blown (AC was still a luxury, so windows are rolled down). “You should really start thinking about your career? What are you going to do? Spend your life listening to music?” Rarely is this question not asked to a 20 year old (During those days, my dad loved the grouch look) I switch to my defensive mode, and reply with as much attitude as I can muster, “Ofcourse I do!! What do you think I am? A good for nothing?? I have won a lot prizes, for you kind information. A lot of people like me. A lot of people think I’m capable of doing big thing. It’s a pity you don’t (any higher, I swear only the bats can hear me”).” He slows down (not bothering to conceal it or sound calm) “You are a 20 year old nothing, don’t raise your voice at me. At your age, I was this and that (I never pay attention to this part of dialogue)”. “I know what I’m doing. I know how much it takes to buy a car or a house (reality is beginning to settle in a bit). I know I have to work hard (yeah yeah) etc etc. (verbal diarrhea takes over, tears are also not that far behind)”.

6 years hence, I do have a career, A/C is a commodity, saving to buy my own car, dads not much of a grouch, bats and me don’t chat much, well I don’t have self questioning questions much, I don’t delve into my negative side much. But what I want hasn’t changed I tell people when they ask me “what’s your five year plan?” I tell them-VP at the least (yet another unrealistic one, VP in 5 years..!! PLEASE!!! I’m trying though, I work with that aim in mind, I do stop to smell the flowers though). But I know the perks that come with being a VP, then a president, then an O-zone officer. Cars, houses, Golf, Tennis, Power. I want the same old things. I just packaged them better. Added some value, and reduced the come backs. I mean, if you were to think about it, we all have our childish dreams, and no matter how old we get, we just find ways to (knowingly or unknowingly) stay true to or dreams. We never get too far from our Peter Pan days. I guess in one way, it’s true what they say about the child in us…never goes. And that’s not always a bad thing. I reckon not. Infact, childish dreams make us who we are today. 4, 40, 80….no difference really. We just travel through these ages…and never drift too far.

..........B*o*T*t*L*e*D T*h*O*u*G*h*T*s............

I worry sometimes..that probably maybe I dont understand myself. At other times I worry, that I understand myself all too well.

I'm sipping my elixir (diet coke) and I realize, that I want to treat the noise in my head with silence. Now, how good or bad is that? I was under the impression that expressing thoughts is a great way of clearing your head. I thought, if you are uncomfortable about something, tell someone. Whilst, if you are extremely comfortable about something, tell someone. If you think you are doing well at work, tell someone. If you think you are not, tell someone. If you are a victim of petty politics, tell someone. If you are victimizing people with petty politics, tell someone. If you are reading something you like, tell someone. If you like the features of a person you see, tell someone. If you see someone that makes you think of thunder and claps, tell someone. If you feel like laughing and want to hear a joke, tell someone. If you are angry enough to bring the house down, tell someone.

This "telling someone" is probably an overrated concept. Maybe just maybe, bottling your thoughts is a good idea. Who says you have to share everything and that sharing has conveyed the exact same feeling. Food for you, poison to someone else.

Another draught from the effervescent liquid, Im driven into another perspective. What if silence really is the treatment for noise. I can go back to many instances in the past few months, when talking and sharing was a pain. And all I wanted to do was...keep to myself. Forcing yourself to share when you dont want to..TOUGH! I can also go back to many instances when I wanted to share and probably it was hard to find someone who could relate to what I said. In the former case, Noise for me. In the latter, Noise for them. There's rarely ever a win win situation. I ought to then work around the constraints. Become my own best listener.

Learnings will never end. I learnt that many a times, a lot of thoughts belong in the head. I also learnt, that thoughts will be random. Once uttered, you dont write it down ( "Today I reported such and such happening, at so and so time..") I for one, never keep track of my thoughts, there would be a serious paper shortage. Diary is known to be of tremendous use. We all need diaries. For my grandmother, her diary is the entire world. For my dad, its my mom. For my mother, its her laptop. For my best friend, its her own mind. For my other best friends, its other friends. For my grandfather, it was his diary. For my aunt, its her painting canvases. For my mentor, it is his protege. For my maid, it is me. For Batman, his diary was the streets of Gotham (too dramatic, I reckon it was Alfred!) For me, well I'm moody. Its either the trees or its the rocks. Trees as in paper...rocks as in people. Im not consistent. I use one of the two mediums. And that for me is the problem in itself. To draw logical conclusions on my frame of mind from that, is not only difficult but also pointless. Those will always be punctuated thoughts. Trees listen. Rocks judge/understand/speak/advice, which is great. When you afford yourself a perspective from another, that perspective would be other than what you deduced, it is always well...another perspective. Learnings, will never end.

Yet at the end of the day, Im emphasising on the need to unbottle yourself by bottling some thoughts. Thoughts sometimes, become bigger than they really are, by voicing them. Before you know it, they become reference points. Some thoughts are great...utter them. Some thoughts are not worth a second thought. Such as it may be, watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Truth is - We assume sometimes, that it is our head that does the thinking. Not really. This great deed is performed by the erstwhile heart. The heart dictates the conclusion, then gives a directive to the head to provide a reasoning for it. The mutiny is actually started by the heart and the army comes from the mind.

In view of this, I take the following oath-

I vow to bottle my thoughts, for the sake of my sanity and others as well. I vow to take a pill of silence. I vow to accept the treatment in awareness of all my senses. I vow to cooperate at all costs. I vow to achieve a sense of balance as an outcome of this treatment. And I vow to stuff this bottle of pills under my pillow for safe keeping (should anyone try to steal it..!) I vow to not abuse the power of the pills and take it in adequacy and as prescribed by the good doctor.

ThE C*r*E*a*T*i*V*i*T*y RoAdbLoCkS

I always wondered how to make the work I do as interesting as possible. Sometimes, even if I'm doing the most mundane things, I find myself wondering - "Hmmm...how can I make this interesting? How about some color, or maybe font or maybe ...maybe I can read some more and put in a model or two...some interesting block diagrams, maybe a flow chart, or I know I know..have a sip of diet coke, itll help me think better, no nothing yet...and then I keep staring at the screen..hey how about if I play Rock On, maybe the energy from that song will flow into me brain and ignite the grey matter (most of the times it leads to incineration)....and then I decide to Alt+Tab and do something else...maybe Im pushing myself too much..I try diverting my mind, chat with someone and then I realize, the original intention behind chatting is lost...Im enjoying the conversation too much....RED ALERT RED ALERT....ship going off course...

I stare intently at the screen and then I remember the last time I had this problem- The "erstwhile" Creative Roadblock"....what did I do then? what triggered the roadblock..was it Indecision of thoughts bordering on pessimism, or edging on rules; preventing an out-of-the-box thinking, or thoughts of practicality, seriousness, indecisiveness, or too much logic pumping around, premature killing of ideas-saying naah...too boring/too simple/too extravagant/too elaborate/too old school. Was my Roadblock caused by Emotions (!!!!!????)..like emotions of anger, or even frustration caused by a world inundated with overwhelming people and thoughts.
Sipping my diet coke, and unnaturally I'm hit with an idea..what if there are internal and external reasons for creative roadblocks.

Was it The F word- Fear, fear of being criticized or ridiculed or fear of making mistakes and not being appreciated or fear breaking rules and being told after all the effort..sorry this is not what we wanted..we wanted something different, we wanted to see something different, but not this and Im screaming in my head - I spent so much time on trying to make this different and creative and worthwhile, is it really not that good..do I fear walking away hurt because I tried to be different.

Sipping my diet coke it also occurred to me that The L word has also had a profound road sign on the roadblocks. Lack of - confidence sometimes, or Inspiration or merely the lack energy (is known to happen to even people who drink diet coke/Protein Shakes, work out, dream of trekking in broad daylight and are nicknamed Rambo!!).

But you know Externally it occurred to me, while sipping my diet coke, there have been reasons too causing these Creative Roadblocks. The M Word, The D word, The C word, the Es, Ps, Ss of the world...good lord...do they ever end. Messy, Distractions, Clutter, Environment, People, Sensory...all Handle with Care situations.BLAH. All BLAH.

I have also managed to examine all plausible reasons for my roadblocks. But heres the thing..and straight from the bottom of my content heart caused by consumption of the bubbling sparkling dark colored liquid courage namely diet coke (I'm not addicted by the way)..creativity by itself is all of the above. You dont have to clear space to create in. You just need to be all of the above and creativity surges through. The struggles, the pain, the happiness in a depression (:P) all translate into something creative. John Keats says so. JK Rowling believes so.PG Wodehouse endorses so.Thomas L Friedman envisages so.Jeffrey Archer practices so.Christopher Paolini understands so.

When you know, why you want to create at all...The Creativity Roadblocks become The Creativity Enhancers. When the purpose is clear, when imaginations are clear, you will be what you imagine, and at last you will create what you are and what you will.

Lookie that.....I wrote.