27th....

When it comes to celebrating Birthdays..we invariably look back to the years gone by. The "n" number of birthday cakes we would've cut, from the bunny shaped ones to the guitar shaped ones to the plain round ones with your year showing on it. The "x" number of parties we would've had, and the "y" number of people at these parties, with noisy kids swarming the house and the piled up gifts in the corner to the cool teenagers hanging out in mini groups in one party and "group gifts laying in the corner" to small gathering of close friends with wine and biryani and a couple of gifts in the room. From conversations about homework, to the guy/girl you have a crush on to the increase in annual CTC, taxes, what I want to be, marriages...life stretches on.

I din't want to celebrate my birthday this year. I personally felt, I had nothing to celebrate about. Just another year, several more uncertainties that I had no strength left to deal with. This year particularly brought with it a crushing feeling of void and baseless choices. The 27th felt like crossroads. The real Me was behind a facade, thinking constantly, struggling to derive some conclusions, forcing meaning into what I felt, maintaining a calm through what felt like endless sublime. I simply din't deserve a celebration this year. I wanted a quite day where I din't feel like the 27 means something, because it felt like it did.

Boy..did I get the opposite of that!

As the day drew nearer, all I could see was 27..27...27....27....27..... as it neared 12...the calls and texts began. First my best friends on a concall. One cooking something for me...the other just struggling to stay up. Followed by a lot of my friends and family..texts that screamed Happy Birthday..I was like yeah yeah..I know...its a Birthday..and whats so bloody happy about that. A call from my parents in the neighboring room too...!! No..we are not dysfunctional. But, I figure my parents thought this was the only way to get my attention. Ok...maybe just a little dysfunctional! Once the calls ceased for the night...I turned on the television...skitting through channels...lost in thought. Gawd...I'm 27. My thoughts went back to this favorite episode of mine from Friends - it's Rachel's 30th. And all of them recounting their tales of turning 30 and accepting that number. I laughed out loud. Am I being like that!? It's 3AM...I drift to sleep, the Genius Player has put together some of my favorite tunes, I smile, Apple and it's amazingness!

The next day begins unlike any other. I'm waiting for my best friends to come over. I figured, seeing them would make the day seem ok. And when they burst into the room...I was marginally relieved. Not a big deal....if they feel its a day to celebrate..then a celebration it is! We got around to the gift part...calls still coming in-HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY..where's the party man etc etc....I'm still grumbling. I open my first gift of the day. I strictly told them I dint want any gifts. I remind them about that. Who cares what you want!..comes the prompt reply. Its an Apple Magic Mouse! I dint expect it. The sleek little thing in my hand...is a gift. My mind flits to the board games I used to get, or the posters of mickey mouses...all the little things within easy reach and budget. I was never big on gifts..I just appreciated the thought anyway. But when I looked at the sleek little thing in my hand...the exact thing I was staring at in iStore...and looked at my friends...I was suddenly caught up in a strange emotion. I know how much they would've thought before arriving at what to give me. It is'nt a thing. Not just a thing. But something that came with some deep gtalk discussion. A phone call every now and then. And the running around to purchase it. The ignoring of wishes..sigh. Fair enough. 27...magic mouse..hmmm..not bad at all. I wonder at the four people, I consider my family, affections brimming.

We trudge over to my Granny's place and my Aunt's. I make sure I meet my Granny, on Birthdays especially, so she feels she's still very much a part of my life. She can't walk now. So I take myself there. Family meets Family. I see their excitement...its your Birthday...who all called..what did you get...what do you want me to make for you....come have your favorite lemon tea...here's your favorite sweet....here's my gift to you....buy whatever you want..I stuff the thick wad of cash into my backpocket. I'm still wondering...I've spent so many birthdays already...I've cut so many cakes in this very house...so many different groups have been a part of that...I remember those awkward ones...some parties my aunt has thrown for me...and some my grandma has seen..I see my grandfather's picture...he's up there somewhere...laughing at all my thoughts...he always called me "the deep one". My throat catches again. I watch my friends at ease with my family...cracking jokes about being adopted by Shah Rukh Khan. I smile too. But I'm lost in thought. Perhaps capturing this moment in my head. What makes this day different from others?What makes this group special?What makes this Birthday different from the others? I decide to make it worth it for the people who are excited about it. I'm incredibly happy for their presence and the distances they have traversed. My thoughts at this point...sound damp.

The calls keep coming, this time from people I least expect it from. The same old questions....What did you get?Where's my treat?Who all are there?What are you wearing? I answer them all, not missing..the excitement in their voices. I'm a little puzzled. Upon returning to my place..we are waiting for some more close friends to arrive. We are ready with all kinds Biryanis and Non veg. We play Holi downstairs. I love Holi...and I missed playing this time around. Thats another wish taken care of. We come back to my place..multi colored monsters. Bottle of Wine is my next gift. We gather around the table, wine is opened and biryani smells good. The conversations begin. Topics galore. Smiles galore. I relax a little. 27 is really not that bad I think. The afternoon lazes into evening. I consume the conversations we are having. From recipes to plans for the evening and tomorrow. Different kinds of wine, movies, my gadget mania, my click mania, I make sure I take as many pictures as I can. Somehow it feels like a good moment to be in. Dad has invited us all to the Club for more wine. I'm expecting some more close friends to arrive. When they do, cakes with them. I grumble. My aunt and uncle arrive too. It's a gathering and looks like a party. I'm taking in the scene. I'm relaxing a bit more. I'm still receiving calls and texts. Some more unexpected people remember and call. I feel a bit guilty..I'm terrible with Birthdays...I forget..my wishes normally go out two weeks after. I make a note to remember theirs too. The party shifts to the club. Couple of Sulas later, I'm asked to give a speech, I politely decline. I'm choked for some reason. I'm missing my best friend who is'nt here. She texts to tell me..she's sorry she could'nt order flowers, online transactions are not going through. I tell her..I appreciate her thought, I would've liked a Bonsai more. But I'm just glad she's a part of my life. I'm glad I have this moment. I'm glad I have people around me, I can share this moment for me. I look at all the people around me who have taken time out of their lives to be excited for the significance of the day. Maybe each Birthday, is a birth day. We go into the next day with new lessons learnt, new meanings, appreciating the newness of some old feelings. As the day draws to an end. I can't deny the relief...tomorrow onwards I go back to being just another 27 year old on the face of this planet...with haunting confusions...but I feel a bit brave...I feel suffused with some confidence that even if I allow myself to fall, there will be people forcing me to get up. I'm ok. Next day is even better. A friend hosts lunch, we take champagne. We consume the champagne. We toast. We disperse. With several photos taken. Cheers!

I receive my next gift from a colleague I'm very close to. Self confessed shopaholics. We bonded over mutual love for brands and subs at Subway. I have always hoped to imbibe some of his qualities, in the hopes that some day I would be respected the way he is. In any case, thanks to him, I got my best Birthday cake. I cut a Subway sandwich with a candle on the top and a diet coke on the side. I'm a little taken aback. By the sheer thoughtfulness of it all. One could'nt have asked for more, that the people you spend most of your waking hours with, observe your likes and dislikes as well and spend some kind thoughts on you. On his return from Brussels, I'm handed a note -"There's a parcel, dont make noise, go pick it up form security". I go over. I ask about the parcel. And they point to a huge Bose cover. I say, no no a parcel. Gesturing a small square. They point back to it. An emphatic No escapes my mouth. No way.No way hosey. I rush back up to our floor. You're crazy. Have you lost your mind, my friends on the phone. I'm amazed at his gift. I dint expect it. Im blown away. The sounddock is one of my best and favorite gifts so far. It has'nt stopped playing once since. Each time I look at it, I shake my head. The gesture chokes me. The thought belittles me. I feel like a speck in the universe. But here are some people, ensuring that I dont feel like just another speck. I'm moved by this gesture. 27 feels exciting.

I was introduced to someone through my best friend. She is always a bundle of talk. And unknowingly I may have grown fond of her little chatter and presence. Whenever we meet, she always hands me a gift. As she did this time too. Cutest tee and earrings. I have not gotten her anything this time. Who's birthday is it?, she asks. She walked up to me with a elf like grin with the bag behind her, the grin told me...it was a gift. Sigh.

This year's birthday was about big gifts. I look back and I know, I made some really good friends. That's the reason to celebrate about. When I was younger, I used to be excited about my birthday, I'd tell people, "my birthday is 5 days away", so they can go out and get some really good gifts. It was all the wrapped things that used to get us excited. Being here, now, I'm less excited about the gifts I got, I'm more excited about the people. That's what matters I guess. Finding people, who can feel for you, when you feel less about yourself. Knowingly and unknowingly, I've made some lasting bonds, with some people. I'm glad they all came and they all called. They made me feel like I did something worthwhile. It has nothing to do with me, but more to do with their "big"ness. Life has its own surprises. I still have a lot of things to resolve. But then it's fine. I have some good memories to keep me smiling. Turning 27, has'nt been bad at all. I know my gifts.

The "ReMiNdEr" Trip

There are trips..that are considered philosophical, life changing, empowering, self-redeeming, religious, sporty, family times, save the marriage kinds...lots of kinds. Few trips are the reminder kinds. These kinds remind you of why you are friends with somebody and they with you, the good ol' feeling of wasting life away with your best friends. The kinds that remind you of why marriages are made in heaven, the goodness of people, the "new and old" about something, customs long forgotten, old fishing methods newly seen by a certain someone, who is so used to city life, so much so that "she" looks for toilet paper wherever she goes. I'm not "she". Hehe.

I just got back from my "reminder" trip.

ThE cUsToMs: There have been days, when I have looked upon many customs with disdain and irritation. Some of them have a way of making you feel rather burdened about things. But lets blame it on the human connotations shall we, 'cause humans have spent more time on the preparations

for the nonsensical activity and may have spent little time dwelling over what it symbolizes. This one custom "totoo" in Bengali weddings are series of needs and necessities packed in the most innovative of ways are given to both the Bride and the Groom. I figured a lot of effort must have gone into the wrapping. And in that effort I could see the bold presence of thoughtfulness in the wrapping style. A relative of the Bride told us that this "totoo" is a way of showing off to the relatives. I looked at the gifts but I couldnt see that intention reflecting anywhere. Made me wonder, are marriages and associated customs all about blatant self promotion! A family friend of the Bride then told us the purpose of this custom. When the Bride walks into the Groom's home, she shouldnt need anything more, walk in with that feeling of security that her needs will always be taken care of and that her new home thinks of her needs as much as the home that she comes from. I liked this explanation! A lot! It reminds me that customs were designed to symbolize a greater understanding of the journey through life. Designed on experiences that leave you enlightened and fulfilled. Our effort in the days to come, is not to retain the customs, but understand the symbolic importance of each of them and hold on to that.

tHe FuN & fRoLiC: There's always some fun and frolic :P at weddings. You meet new people, make friends, make temporary enemies. That aunty who just wont quit staring at you, you're worried she's imagining you with her son... a son you almost immediately hate. The food, that's so delicious, you dont care if the calorie count for that day is already tipping towards critical. You miss your jeans more than ever, tracks feel like godsend, everybody is tired including the bride and incase of the Indian weddings, everybody feels like theyre getting married! Oh...fun is just abundant. I caught my friend in that moment. I'm sure she was probably trying to say how sleepy she is and that she can't sit anymore. But the fun in the photo just cannot be missed. The circumstantial evidence points to her trying to kiss someone's nose. I'm glad she's not an avid reader and she finds my blogs long and boring, she will never read this one :D. I'm safe. New places also means, new cuisines to try. You dont mind digging into roadside food, which suddenly doesnt remind you of the swarming germs colony, like it does back home. You are carefree. You just want to try something new. You like it, even before you've tried it. And then when you do eat it, no guesses there. Its a reminder. A reminder of how important it is to be a roman in rome. To live like the people of that land can be quite liberating.

ThE fOoD: So a couple of phuchkas later, my taste buds found themselves indisposed for sometime, laying in a ditch somewhere, high on taste, snoring in blissful sleep with not a care in the world. I also managed to do in some aunty made chicken, uncle made prawns, aunty made omelettes by the river side, reena made tea (never again), lopa made grudging tea (in exchange for applying hair oil + some massages), couple of sandeshs later (Bengali pronunciation-shaundesh), I did gather some inches. I avoid non-veg, for many reasons, but damn those fishes just glide down your food pipe don't they. I suddenly forgot why I gave up non-veg. But the best of it all was the Brinjal and Daal. Oooboyyyyy. I'm there. I'm eating. I'm enjoying. I'm at peace. Sigh. Food and Indians. We don't wonder. We just eat. And worry later. Reminds me of a crucial lesson in life....Enjoy! Helps one smile more.

Marriages are MaDe in HeAvEn: Every now and then, when cynicism takes over, hope is a variable in the equation. At such times, open the mind and the heart to the happenings of the world. Well, all I did was observe. Observed the gushing bride and groom, the excitement.. obvious and the eagerness to tackle the path ahead. What was going through their minds, I dont know, but I'm pretty sure it was all positive. The bride has always told me to "Have faith and Be Positive". For whatever it is worth, its a reminder that faith and positivity can move mountains (in a very metaphorical way ofcourse). Faith has this effect on all non movable objects. Faith is an outcome of courage. And courage is a decision. Faith+Positivity....an infinite combination, with intangible results. People who have managed to do this, have assumed a responsibility of sorts. They must pass this on to the eternally plagued. Yours truly is often found haunting this corner of the world. Lets hope I run into more such people. The sunshine people. They constantly remind you of the sunshine moments. If not...motivate you in the right direction.

The trip also reminded me why I'm best friends with the people I am best friends with. The warmth of their families tells you, here are friendships that will last. I am not grateful for their presence but merely thankful for their affection, in which I revel and feel secure. With our new friends, we shared a lot of our old sense of humor, we heard new reactions to it, blissfully refreshing. The boat ride across the ganges, the debris, floating hyacinth-very important for all biological purposes-natural filters, someone stealing my puma floaters from a religious place (sigh), the river side talk with aunty (heart to heart-find someone, get married, whats wrong with you people!! ), stohls shopping, posing with the shades, advices on how to put on weight (u-huh)....thank God for new experiences and thank God theres a little bit of Columbus in all of us!

Don in Donland.....

It's dark outside. There's pitter patter of rain. The TV is muted, playing some rusty old movie. The beads of cooling water run down the can of diet coke, making a visible circle on the side table. There's a half finished bag of popcorn.

PINGG. PINGG. PINGGG.

I slowly turn my attention back to the laptop. And focus on the chat window.

DONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN !!! The window screams. The dufus calls me Don for some baffling reason. I ping back. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! Our usual greeting. When we are busy hating each other during fights, it's mostly "Hi Don", and I angrily type back "Hi Dood". So my buddy suggests one day, "Don why don't you blog about something other than your personal feelings..?". I say to him "Ok". So I put my imagination to work immediately, and come up with some pretty strong ideas. Climate Change. My Favorite Book. New Hottie on the Block who visits my dreams everyday-Rob Pattinson. Black Swan Effect. How to Save. Knowing the Shopaholic in you. SIGH.


I slide open my once upon a time cool phone and furiously type, "I watched the most weirdest movie".

BLIP.

"HAHAHA. Watcha doing now Don".

I type away. "Watching Alice In Wonderland. Trying to get over the movie I just saw."

BLIP.

"AWESOME. Like Ramya in Wonderland."

Slide it open once again. "No like Don in Donland".

BLIP.

"HAHAHAHA. YEAH! You should blog about that!"

Somethings off about him. He's laughing at all my jokes. Hmmm. It's common knowledge, Im not too good with the jokes.

But the Dood had a point. BLOG! Imagination goes into overdrive.

The five of us in Donland….the scenario would be much like as follows-

It's dark outside. There's pitter patter of rain. The TV is muted, playing some rusty old movie. The beads of cooling water running down the can of diet coke, making a visible circle on the table. There's a half open bag of popcorn lying on the side, rats inch closer. I pull out my gun and fire a round. The rats scurry back into their holes. I slide lower into my couch, waiting for the phone to ring. "He should've called by now". I take a swig of the diet coke. The phone rings. "DON. Hurry. I found her watching a movie". I think to myself, her movie obsession is going to drive me crazy. She was supposed to watch the Tigress's Granny. "Im coming Dood". His intonation is always serious. Bugger. I put my gun back in my holster. I call out to him, lounged across the sofa. "Lets go. Dood' found her". He looks at me quickly, jumps out of the sofa, puts on the coat swiftly. "What the fuck! Already! Dayamn.". We shuffle out of the crowded corridor. Out into the quiet night. The car zooms in. The valet is suitably tipped. The old mustang always a pride with the gang. "Where is she?". "Out at the suburbs. Watching a movie". "Ya know. Her movie obsession is going to be the death of our gang". I nod. I agree. She can be a pain. The new releases always a weakness with her. My mind shifts to Tigress. She can be lethal. She can kill with her silence. Mostly tight lipped. The cool breeze on my skin refreshes me. Its been a long day. I want it to end. I look at my partner in crime. His driving is swift. I mutter, "The Dood is watching her. He wants to do it himself". "NO!" comes the sharp reply, "Its our job, we were hired for that. Tigress will be really angry. It's our job". We park on the side of the street. Rush into the theater. We spot Dood. He walks towards us, throwing a dirty look at a kid eating his chocolate. Dood hates chocolates. Anything brown pushes him into blind fury. "What is she doing?". "Its the third show straight she's watching", he tells us in a flat tone. We all stream into the theater. I spot her immediately. She's sitting in her usual seat. Front row. Doe eyed. Still. Barely blinking. Concentration. I've seen her there many times. Caught her there. We all sidle in front of her. Glare at her. She looks guilty. She says to us, "Guys. C'mon. This is the best movie ever made. You should see it. You would know why I did it. It's justified. I'm allowed a mistake." We pick her up. She's pretty light. She eats movies, but she's still pretty light. My partner in crime dials the Tigress. She answers, "Bring her to me". We pool into the car. The wind in my hair. We reach her place. Some men accompany us to her chic flat. She's waiting for us. Her pet tiger resting at her feet. Purring. She looks at us. So do we. Her sardonic laughter cuts through the room. Its the first time I've heard her voice. He shoves her in front Tigress. Dood and I look on. Wondering. Calculating. Ready. Sad at what would happen next. Deal is a deal. She gets up, walks to the nearest window. The tiger follows. "Thanks for bringing her back. She was supposed to watch my Granny. She started walking, when she was 67. Five miles a day. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is. She was supposed to watch my grandmother. She will have to pay. It was her birthday. You will all pay for this." We reached our car much later. After the Punishments. Dood puking with all the chocolate he was forced to eat. My partner in crime is walking much slower now, because of the weights tied around his leg. I was forced to watch movies for three straight hours. Memorize the lines and enact them. While..SHE…the one who caused all this trouble, was forced to sleep, something she hates doing. That night Tigress cried for her Granny, who was now missing. We consoled her. She was once our friend. Until she got the Tiger. They say..such is life and then we die..

The name's Don.

The irony is… Chandru a.k.a Loves Chocholates..!! He is the fastest in the group. Has the funniest intonation..sing song kind.

Aravind a.k.a Partner in Crime walks like an old man. SLOW. And yeah..he does say WTF a lot. LAZY.

Lopa…HATES movies. She has slept through most of them. Loves sleeping.

Reena a.k.a Tigress is petrified of mostly everything. Can never be angry. SWEETHEART. Tiniest thing in our group. And lethal with her talkativeness. 19 to the dozen I tell you.

Me a.k.a Don…I LOVEEEEEE movies. I'm doe eyed in movies. And I look nothing like a Don.

:-)

This Don in Donland signing off.

The Sound of Something...

"Where does the good go?" is playing in the background. A song I have heard a lot over the last few days. As the lyrics roll on (~Where do you go with your broken heart in tow~), I allow my mind to wander. To thoughts like, I need to loose more weight. And I remember the struggle of last year (~What do you do with the left over you~). The flab that became layers of hindrances. The failing health that I had no hopes of taming (~And how do you know, when to let go~). I remember the taunts of the mind and taunting the mind back. It feels like a different timezone now. (~Where does the good go, where does the good go~). Frankly, it is a different timezone.

The song on my ipod changes to "Aahun Aahun" from Love Aaj Kal. This song always puts a beat in my step. I feel a surge of positivity in me each time (~Kaddi te has bol ve Na jind saddi rol ve~). So naturally it loops a lot in my ipod. (~Tu aaja dil janiyaa, Ve Kar Meherbaniyan~).In this positive mood, I think about the various moments in my life when I have felt like Happy Singh. And I think of times that Lopa, Reena and I have spent together. How zealously I guard those moments in my mind. Perhaps those are the moments when I discovered the absolute importance of having great people in your life (~Aa sanu teri rol ve, Na jind saddi rol ve~). Its a terrific feeling having a friend that would shed a tear for me. And its a safe feeling to know that I have a friend who knows every tiny detail of my life down to the guy who serves tea at work, and lends a patient ear to all my life's redundancies (~Aahun Aahun~). It is a feeling that puts a beat in my step.


By the time I'm done musing over the fun the three of us have, Ive noted the change in song. The speakers blare "Full Moon". (~When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home~). I read excerpts from an article I picked out from Facebook- 1o Endangered Animals. The iconic animal's populations that are fast disappearing from the Planet. Tigers, Polar Bears, Pacific Walrus, Magellanic Penguin, Leatherback Turtle, Bluefin Tuna, Moutain Gorilla, Monarch Butterfly, Javan Rhino and Giant Panda. (~I am going out to see what I can sow, And I dont know where I'll go~). I'm trying to picture a world , where the ones that belong are forced to unbelong. Is there no more protection from human greed for the ones that know not our language, for the ones that cant scream "Stop.Enough.No More" (~But I dont know what I'll see, But I'll try not to bring it back home with me~). I'm fighting the wrong fight.

When Eddie Vedder sang "Hard Sun" for Into the Wild, I was a semi Alexander Supertramp already, ready to backpack across anywhere, just to feel free. Free. A wildly misused word. A word, synonymous with kids screaming at their parents, telling them to leave them alone; synonymous with adults silently pleading with their bosses to leave them early for family dinners; synonymous with trapped souls, so on and such and such. (~When I walk beside her, I am a better man~). But at a time when I most wanted to be free..it had a lot to do with freedom to be who I am. Free to think my thoughts, free to know and tell the difference between right and wrong and most of all, free to dream of my ideas. (~When I look to leave her, I always stagger back again~). Wanting to feel free is a fight half won. Victory is only one step away. The hardest step...convincing yourself that you deserve to be Free. (~Once I built an Ivory tower, so I could worship from above~). Am I free today. Not completely. But I am among people, who every single day tirelessly help me feel free. I am almost convinced. Almost. (~When I climbed to be set free, she took me in again~). Nobody said moulting was easy. But nobody said, being yourself is a crime. Now thats motivation (~It's a big Hard Sun, Beating down on People, In the big Hard World~).


The newspaper this morning talks about "elected representatives". Chosen by people like me. Voted into power. So my representatives talk about how separating a state would make people more confident about themselves. Lend them an identity that they can be proud of. My song for this-

The Heart is a Bloom;
Shoots up through the stony ground.
There's no room;
Or no space to rent in this town.

You're out of Luck;
And the reason you had to care.
The traffic is stuck;
And you're not moving anywhere.

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

Fairy tales and expectations are the same really. The Feel Good. The Santa Claus of my day. The Sleeping Beauty of my week. The Prince Charming. The drill. Ok...thrown in a White Horse too. Heck...Why not. The song is my fav. It talks about "Anything But Ordinary". (~Sometimes I get so weird. I even freak myself out. I laugh myself to sleep. Its my lullaby~). As we grow, cynicism sets in. Reality of fairy tales. Reality of what you think was..but isnt. The acceptance is hard. (~Sometimes I drive so fast, just to feel the danger, I wanna scream, it makes me feel alive~). We rely on things to make us feel better, excited. Friends, people, strangers, things. Anything will do. But the truth is..we never let go of the fairy tales entirely. We still hope, that one day, we open our eyes and we have that. (~Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? Somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed. Is it enough to die, Somebody save my life, I'd rather be anything but ordinary please~) Expectations keep us grounded. Its the unexpected that changes our lives. The choice is always between standing still and moving with it. Like it says, Anything But Ordinary, Please.

There's a song. Always. That helps us connect dots. Songs that bring us out of the depths. Songs that take us to a parallel universe. Songs that make us feel angry without breaking anything. Songs that tell us what love is. You hear so many kinds of voices in a song. The voice of someone in pain. Someone who is elated over something. Someone who wants to forgive. Someone who has decided to get on with it. Someone who has tasted victory and encouraging us to do the same. There is a song for every kind of healing. A song for all kinds of feelings. A song for You. Me. We. Us. Them. All.

I'm glad that there are songs. As long as there is song...there is Hope. As long as there is a Sound of Something..

Wonder Management

I have often wondered at many things. I normally turn these things over and over in my head...to find some method to the madness that I'm normally witness to. Frankly, I like thinking. It makes me feel comfortable with the goings on. I'm therefore often subjected to hearing interesting remarks like, You think too much...or...Dont think...or...You analyze things you dont need to...or...you love paralysis by analysis dont you. Actually, they are all right. Sometimes, thinking can be a burden too. There were days, when I needed to be alone to think. I have over time perfected the art of thinking even in the company of people. I have obviously reached a stage, where it tires me. It takes away from me the Present. It takes me into a future, the uncertainity of which leaves me hassled and tensed. A close friend adviced me "To just Let go!" Cause frankly, where I am today is not working for me anymore. Whatever I did with my thought process back then, worked for me then. Doesnt anymore. Which takes me to this wondrous thought...Change is the only constant.

I am a Management student. Biotech in basics. And I should ideally be accustomed to change and tackling of the same. Essence of strategy or finance or marketing or even HR is what works today may or may not work tomorrow. Should'nt that have been a hint enough. Biotech taught me the same thing, viruses constantly reinvent themselves, R&D needs to constantly tackle the dynamic threat from transforming strains. I now work in the Pharma industry, where the crux of the business boils down to how quickly one can adapt the incredibly dynamic world of medicines, which in turn is governed by the effervescent viruses themselves..!! Success but naturally depends on how "quickly" we adapt to that change.

I wonder if Change should be regulated? In which case, life would be so predictable. But how bad would that be? Predictability. I would think less. I would know whats going to happen. I would'nt be afraid of the unknown. And if anything, I might just start looking forward to my days.

I wonder how my life would be if I had the best digestive system! (Sigh, I can only hope.)

I wonder what would happen if I stopped expecting. And never got disappointed.

I wonder what I would be like if I dint have to feel the need to impress people.

I wonder what it would be like if carbon trading became more stabilized and a regulated market.

I wonder how it would be if there was a policy that stopped people from hating each other.

I wonder if my office had a work from home option and bean bags instead of desks and movies always playing in the background!!!! (Gawrsh)

I wonder at people who put others down.

I wonder at people who have fallen in love. For that matter I wonder at people who have fallen out of love. I also wonder at people who have never fallen in love. I find myself wondering if I'm made of concrete.

I wonder at my performance at work. Sometimes I amaze myself. And sometimes, I frustrate myself.

I wonder while I'm driving, if people would ever learn to care about other people on the road.

I wonder about how the hell have I reached the marriageable age so quickly!!

I wonder at my own disconnect from everything and everyone.

I wonder how I've gotten to almost 27 without experiencing so many things. And I wonder about why that makes me sad.

I wonder about all the changes that happen around me on a daily basis and the changes that happen within me on a daily basis.

I wonder at my own lack of propensity to handle fears.

I wonder at my absolute will to fight so many good things that happen to me.

I wonder at myself so many times, as to why I need someone else to allay my fears.

I wonder if my inner voice, my intuition is synonymous with my fear. Or vice versa.

I wonder why it takes so much time to achieve something you really really want.

I wonder about my own strapping desperation, to convince myself that good things can happen to me too.

I wonder about my friends, who dont understand me anymore.

I wonder how I have managed to cage myself in.

I wonder about how I will get out.

I wonder about the growing tan on my skin!! :P

I wonder about how people would react if they discovered my thoughts. Would I seem to vulnerable.

Heck..I wonder about wondering..!!!!

Lord.

In all this...I realize the importance of hiring my own Wonder Manager. So the puzzles in my head can be decoded. And I can get some sleep.

At the outset, I do know one thing...Change is the only constant. And perhaps I will never stop wondering. And I guess that's good for my growth. What enabled my growth sometime back, is not a tool anymore aiding me in the process. I need new tools to manage my wonder at changes and my growth.

From Mini to Max...

A while back one of my oldest best friends sent me a mail...saying "Hey, check me out...mini me! Back when I was in 10th!!"

He was the favorite of the Math(man) tuition teacher, sitting right at the back of the class, sharing bench with a mountain sized guy, which made this mouse sized guy noticeable, screaming out answers as soon as he was done, and what was more interesting, he was almost never right, but got his brownie point for his enthusiasm. I was the first bencher, with a mousey voice, completed the problem much before others, but never shouted out the answer unless provoked by the "Mathman".

When I joined my 11th, I settled into a straddly wooden bench, the last in the class, and looked around at my new classmates, future IITians, googlers, architects, scientists, MBAs, event mangers, sales engineers, etc, I noticed one familiar face, sitting in the first bench looking at me, probably trying to connect the dots too. 10 days later, mouse guy runs up the courage and says, "I will tell out tuition sir that you are back". I said to him, "I will throw you out of the window if you do that". Since that fateful day, we have had 100 pepsi/thums up bottoms up, split a 100 rs in 3 different ways, discussed 1000 crushes, had 10,000 coffees, fought over who should pay the bill a lakh of times, fought a million times, became friends after that a gazillion times and managed to get to some 13 odd years as friends.

Sitting in a cafe, sipping the worst coffee I've ever had, after work stories are swapped, and cribs are exchanged, we arrive at a comfortable silence, observing people and drinking in the scene around us, I realize, so this is what they mean when people say "Friendship cannot get any better, when there is comfort even in silence". Perhaps I am lucky, and maybe he is too. We have seen each other through crests and troughs, and most importantly through changes.

Changes have been profound. To be witness to someones growth curve is a big thing. I have watched our spending power increase, from small time bakers to spending in big time restaurants. I have switched to diet cokes from pepsies and thums ups, for obvious reasons, while his preference has always been the simple food. Our outlook towards life has changed, from calling spade a spade, we call the spade an instrument that can till the soil to enable plantation of plants/trees/flowers. Our friends circle is different, our ambitions have remained the same, our priorities have not changed, our admission to having been through trials and tribulations have become something of a heroic talk, our lives are enriched with the presence of wonderful people who we are mutually proud of, our domination over the past that sometimes bothers us has given us the strength.....whatever it may be.....we lived it through....not necessarily together as friends, nor enemies, but just watched or known or understood. But We Know.

It would be hard for me narrow down one single moment, and say this was my best moment, this was my best conversation, this was the best gift, etc....I think this journey was not about the destination at all, it will always be the journey. The journey that circles around the life you lead every day and the journey that will begin again tomorrow morning when you wake up, with memories of yesterday and memories to be made. Nothing could be better than waking up in the morning and knowing you have a friend who does'nt judge you (no matter how many crushes you have had :p) , who would never say No to a distress call, always finds inopportune times to remind you that you are a sore loser and its really ok to be one, laughs with you...at you.

In these years he dint grow up to be a tall guy, or a muscular guy...infact he is as he was when I first saw this mouse sized guy in Mathman's class....its just his heart grew bigger and bigger and bigger...

And as he starts out on yet another journey....yet another beginning and yet another decisional quicksand....I wonder about my comfortably silent moments during horrible coffees and the gap there will be, I ofcourse know this is certainly not THE END....but an end of..what is....and THE BEGINNING of what will be yet another Journey, yet another Chapter.

The Confessions of a Confused Mind.

I have a new color of nail polish on today. Instead of my usual color, I have used something that will make my feet stand out...literally. And I realized from the clothes I wear to the type of laptop I used to the pens I buy, from the wall hangings in my room to the equipments in the gym I work out on....I am ridiculously comfortable in my comfort zone. So whenever I see something new....I walk towards it observe it....walk away...thinking some other time...lets save. But if I see something old and well used in style many times by me...well I tell myself, life is all about investments isnt it. I do buy it. Ive seen myself do it....8 million times already...and I suspect it will happen another 8 million times, unless I understand the reason behind my own comfort zone and on what grounds is it built...I would probably never be able to feel free.

Ive always looked at people who enjoy their minds freedom with some amount of jealousy. When I started building boundaries around me to keep people out and myself safe, all I ended up doing is fence myself in. I thought it was at the time the best thing to do. Pretend that certain things are not important. That everything has a logic...I just have to put my mind to it. I found my comfort zone, trying to be everybody but me. It was easy to blend in. It was also easy to loose touch with what seemed important and what should ideally be not. I should've learnt to be more of myself by learning the best from others...whilst knowing that what I have is ok too. Comfort Zone makes it difficult to admire yourself. Comfort Zone prevents you from embracing yourself. Is this fear? What part of your past plays a role in this? Because I'm sure it has.


I know a lot of us would've spent a lot of time figuring out where we went wrong. And what did we do to get it right. I know I have. But with each passing year I realize things dont get tough, we just choose to call them tough, and blame the stars. Life is a choice. Everything we do is a choice. While I agree there are many things that are beyond our control, how we react to that is also a choice. I'm on the other side of 25. Fast approaching late 20s. I look back and think, how many times have I chosen to play safe, for many reasons maybe. Maybe the timing wasnt right. Or perhaps I was'nt convinced enough. Now when I look back, half my choices were born out of instinct. And I spent a lot of time, not trusting my instinct. I told myself I'm scared, maybe I was, maybe I was'nt. But even though in my heart I would know, it was the best decision made, because I would'nt feel an iota of regret. But what governed the rest of the course of my life, was the choice I made in my reactions to it. The choice to react. What a powerful statement. The best decisions are made in desperation, did we know that. Forget results. But the best decisions have been in desperation. But our willingness to guide the outcome as desired, is really an outcome of desperation. Because in desperation, we are clear. In desperation, we know what we want. In desperation, we know what we must do in order to achieve it. In desperation.....we can see the roadmap clearly. In desperation...you have no choice, but to hang on to hope and never give up. In desperation, we are more open to risks. So, why was desperation always a bad thing? Maybe it's how we react in desperation, that makes it a bad thing.


Risks. The word going down. In my line of work, Risk Management is a great part of our work. Foresee, Document, Plan, Document, Act, Implement, Monitor, Control, Document and finally despatch the product. The 12 principles of risk in project management are - 1. organizational risk 2. Stakeholder involvement 3. Alignment with Organizational Objectives 4. Risk Analysis 5. Reporting Structure 6. Defining roles and responsibilities 7. Support from Top Management 8. Regular meetings to detect oncoming risks 9. Review 10. Overcoming barriers to risk 11. Culture that acts as enablers 12. Continual Improvement. Bottomline of this piece of gyan is you can do a lot to identify risks, and a whole lot more to reduce it....but you can never eliminate it. So risk is an integral part of our life. Risk and Comfort Zone are inversely proportional to each other. Cost benefit analysis would probably reveal the returns would be much more if you did take a risk, whilst that which you stand to gain from not taking a risk would bind you to your comfort zone forever with serious emotional implications such as regret, wonder, mind numbing escapism, etc. I thought it through. Coming out of my comfort zone is...highly essential. Albeit, once you do, the journey from the risks is to yet another comfort zone, but then, what the heck life is about progress right, and it is better to progress from one comfort zone to another, than to remain at the elementary level and never having the experience.



I did some looking up, and apparently Dr. Phil has something to say about Comfort Zone with a schematic..!! With Happiness on y-axis and Comfort Level on x-axis, I think while being on your comfort zone, Happiness peaks initially, but as you go along comfort zone happiness starts dropping exponentially until infinity. I'd say if I were to quote anyone right now, it would be from "Into The Wild" - Its not necessarily important in life just to be strong, but to feel strong.


In time, we learn, in time, we also learn to unlearn whatever we learnt. And in time, we learn to survive. Perhaps time will teach us how to live. And in this, I hope we are uncomfortable enough so we take a risk and capitalize on that opportunity, and just Live. We owe ourselves just that and nothing less.