The Sound of Something...

"Where does the good go?" is playing in the background. A song I have heard a lot over the last few days. As the lyrics roll on (~Where do you go with your broken heart in tow~), I allow my mind to wander. To thoughts like, I need to loose more weight. And I remember the struggle of last year (~What do you do with the left over you~). The flab that became layers of hindrances. The failing health that I had no hopes of taming (~And how do you know, when to let go~). I remember the taunts of the mind and taunting the mind back. It feels like a different timezone now. (~Where does the good go, where does the good go~). Frankly, it is a different timezone.

The song on my ipod changes to "Aahun Aahun" from Love Aaj Kal. This song always puts a beat in my step. I feel a surge of positivity in me each time (~Kaddi te has bol ve Na jind saddi rol ve~). So naturally it loops a lot in my ipod. (~Tu aaja dil janiyaa, Ve Kar Meherbaniyan~).In this positive mood, I think about the various moments in my life when I have felt like Happy Singh. And I think of times that Lopa, Reena and I have spent together. How zealously I guard those moments in my mind. Perhaps those are the moments when I discovered the absolute importance of having great people in your life (~Aa sanu teri rol ve, Na jind saddi rol ve~). Its a terrific feeling having a friend that would shed a tear for me. And its a safe feeling to know that I have a friend who knows every tiny detail of my life down to the guy who serves tea at work, and lends a patient ear to all my life's redundancies (~Aahun Aahun~). It is a feeling that puts a beat in my step.


By the time I'm done musing over the fun the three of us have, Ive noted the change in song. The speakers blare "Full Moon". (~When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home~). I read excerpts from an article I picked out from Facebook- 1o Endangered Animals. The iconic animal's populations that are fast disappearing from the Planet. Tigers, Polar Bears, Pacific Walrus, Magellanic Penguin, Leatherback Turtle, Bluefin Tuna, Moutain Gorilla, Monarch Butterfly, Javan Rhino and Giant Panda. (~I am going out to see what I can sow, And I dont know where I'll go~). I'm trying to picture a world , where the ones that belong are forced to unbelong. Is there no more protection from human greed for the ones that know not our language, for the ones that cant scream "Stop.Enough.No More" (~But I dont know what I'll see, But I'll try not to bring it back home with me~). I'm fighting the wrong fight.

When Eddie Vedder sang "Hard Sun" for Into the Wild, I was a semi Alexander Supertramp already, ready to backpack across anywhere, just to feel free. Free. A wildly misused word. A word, synonymous with kids screaming at their parents, telling them to leave them alone; synonymous with adults silently pleading with their bosses to leave them early for family dinners; synonymous with trapped souls, so on and such and such. (~When I walk beside her, I am a better man~). But at a time when I most wanted to be free..it had a lot to do with freedom to be who I am. Free to think my thoughts, free to know and tell the difference between right and wrong and most of all, free to dream of my ideas. (~When I look to leave her, I always stagger back again~). Wanting to feel free is a fight half won. Victory is only one step away. The hardest step...convincing yourself that you deserve to be Free. (~Once I built an Ivory tower, so I could worship from above~). Am I free today. Not completely. But I am among people, who every single day tirelessly help me feel free. I am almost convinced. Almost. (~When I climbed to be set free, she took me in again~). Nobody said moulting was easy. But nobody said, being yourself is a crime. Now thats motivation (~It's a big Hard Sun, Beating down on People, In the big Hard World~).


The newspaper this morning talks about "elected representatives". Chosen by people like me. Voted into power. So my representatives talk about how separating a state would make people more confident about themselves. Lend them an identity that they can be proud of. My song for this-

The Heart is a Bloom;
Shoots up through the stony ground.
There's no room;
Or no space to rent in this town.

You're out of Luck;
And the reason you had to care.
The traffic is stuck;
And you're not moving anywhere.

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

Fairy tales and expectations are the same really. The Feel Good. The Santa Claus of my day. The Sleeping Beauty of my week. The Prince Charming. The drill. Ok...thrown in a White Horse too. Heck...Why not. The song is my fav. It talks about "Anything But Ordinary". (~Sometimes I get so weird. I even freak myself out. I laugh myself to sleep. Its my lullaby~). As we grow, cynicism sets in. Reality of fairy tales. Reality of what you think was..but isnt. The acceptance is hard. (~Sometimes I drive so fast, just to feel the danger, I wanna scream, it makes me feel alive~). We rely on things to make us feel better, excited. Friends, people, strangers, things. Anything will do. But the truth is..we never let go of the fairy tales entirely. We still hope, that one day, we open our eyes and we have that. (~Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? Somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed. Is it enough to die, Somebody save my life, I'd rather be anything but ordinary please~) Expectations keep us grounded. Its the unexpected that changes our lives. The choice is always between standing still and moving with it. Like it says, Anything But Ordinary, Please.

There's a song. Always. That helps us connect dots. Songs that bring us out of the depths. Songs that take us to a parallel universe. Songs that make us feel angry without breaking anything. Songs that tell us what love is. You hear so many kinds of voices in a song. The voice of someone in pain. Someone who is elated over something. Someone who wants to forgive. Someone who has decided to get on with it. Someone who has tasted victory and encouraging us to do the same. There is a song for every kind of healing. A song for all kinds of feelings. A song for You. Me. We. Us. Them. All.

I'm glad that there are songs. As long as there is song...there is Hope. As long as there is a Sound of Something..

Wonder Management

I have often wondered at many things. I normally turn these things over and over in my head...to find some method to the madness that I'm normally witness to. Frankly, I like thinking. It makes me feel comfortable with the goings on. I'm therefore often subjected to hearing interesting remarks like, You think too much...or...Dont think...or...You analyze things you dont need to...or...you love paralysis by analysis dont you. Actually, they are all right. Sometimes, thinking can be a burden too. There were days, when I needed to be alone to think. I have over time perfected the art of thinking even in the company of people. I have obviously reached a stage, where it tires me. It takes away from me the Present. It takes me into a future, the uncertainity of which leaves me hassled and tensed. A close friend adviced me "To just Let go!" Cause frankly, where I am today is not working for me anymore. Whatever I did with my thought process back then, worked for me then. Doesnt anymore. Which takes me to this wondrous thought...Change is the only constant.

I am a Management student. Biotech in basics. And I should ideally be accustomed to change and tackling of the same. Essence of strategy or finance or marketing or even HR is what works today may or may not work tomorrow. Should'nt that have been a hint enough. Biotech taught me the same thing, viruses constantly reinvent themselves, R&D needs to constantly tackle the dynamic threat from transforming strains. I now work in the Pharma industry, where the crux of the business boils down to how quickly one can adapt the incredibly dynamic world of medicines, which in turn is governed by the effervescent viruses themselves..!! Success but naturally depends on how "quickly" we adapt to that change.

I wonder if Change should be regulated? In which case, life would be so predictable. But how bad would that be? Predictability. I would think less. I would know whats going to happen. I would'nt be afraid of the unknown. And if anything, I might just start looking forward to my days.

I wonder how my life would be if I had the best digestive system! (Sigh, I can only hope.)

I wonder what would happen if I stopped expecting. And never got disappointed.

I wonder what I would be like if I dint have to feel the need to impress people.

I wonder what it would be like if carbon trading became more stabilized and a regulated market.

I wonder how it would be if there was a policy that stopped people from hating each other.

I wonder if my office had a work from home option and bean bags instead of desks and movies always playing in the background!!!! (Gawrsh)

I wonder at people who put others down.

I wonder at people who have fallen in love. For that matter I wonder at people who have fallen out of love. I also wonder at people who have never fallen in love. I find myself wondering if I'm made of concrete.

I wonder at my performance at work. Sometimes I amaze myself. And sometimes, I frustrate myself.

I wonder while I'm driving, if people would ever learn to care about other people on the road.

I wonder about how the hell have I reached the marriageable age so quickly!!

I wonder at my own disconnect from everything and everyone.

I wonder how I've gotten to almost 27 without experiencing so many things. And I wonder about why that makes me sad.

I wonder about all the changes that happen around me on a daily basis and the changes that happen within me on a daily basis.

I wonder at my own lack of propensity to handle fears.

I wonder at my absolute will to fight so many good things that happen to me.

I wonder at myself so many times, as to why I need someone else to allay my fears.

I wonder if my inner voice, my intuition is synonymous with my fear. Or vice versa.

I wonder why it takes so much time to achieve something you really really want.

I wonder about my own strapping desperation, to convince myself that good things can happen to me too.

I wonder about my friends, who dont understand me anymore.

I wonder how I have managed to cage myself in.

I wonder about how I will get out.

I wonder about the growing tan on my skin!! :P

I wonder about how people would react if they discovered my thoughts. Would I seem to vulnerable.

Heck..I wonder about wondering..!!!!

Lord.

In all this...I realize the importance of hiring my own Wonder Manager. So the puzzles in my head can be decoded. And I can get some sleep.

At the outset, I do know one thing...Change is the only constant. And perhaps I will never stop wondering. And I guess that's good for my growth. What enabled my growth sometime back, is not a tool anymore aiding me in the process. I need new tools to manage my wonder at changes and my growth.