27th....

When it comes to celebrating Birthdays..we invariably look back to the years gone by. The "n" number of birthday cakes we would've cut, from the bunny shaped ones to the guitar shaped ones to the plain round ones with your year showing on it. The "x" number of parties we would've had, and the "y" number of people at these parties, with noisy kids swarming the house and the piled up gifts in the corner to the cool teenagers hanging out in mini groups in one party and "group gifts laying in the corner" to small gathering of close friends with wine and biryani and a couple of gifts in the room. From conversations about homework, to the guy/girl you have a crush on to the increase in annual CTC, taxes, what I want to be, marriages...life stretches on.

I din't want to celebrate my birthday this year. I personally felt, I had nothing to celebrate about. Just another year, several more uncertainties that I had no strength left to deal with. This year particularly brought with it a crushing feeling of void and baseless choices. The 27th felt like crossroads. The real Me was behind a facade, thinking constantly, struggling to derive some conclusions, forcing meaning into what I felt, maintaining a calm through what felt like endless sublime. I simply din't deserve a celebration this year. I wanted a quite day where I din't feel like the 27 means something, because it felt like it did.

Boy..did I get the opposite of that!

As the day drew nearer, all I could see was 27..27...27....27....27..... as it neared 12...the calls and texts began. First my best friends on a concall. One cooking something for me...the other just struggling to stay up. Followed by a lot of my friends and family..texts that screamed Happy Birthday..I was like yeah yeah..I know...its a Birthday..and whats so bloody happy about that. A call from my parents in the neighboring room too...!! No..we are not dysfunctional. But, I figure my parents thought this was the only way to get my attention. Ok...maybe just a little dysfunctional! Once the calls ceased for the night...I turned on the television...skitting through channels...lost in thought. Gawd...I'm 27. My thoughts went back to this favorite episode of mine from Friends - it's Rachel's 30th. And all of them recounting their tales of turning 30 and accepting that number. I laughed out loud. Am I being like that!? It's 3AM...I drift to sleep, the Genius Player has put together some of my favorite tunes, I smile, Apple and it's amazingness!

The next day begins unlike any other. I'm waiting for my best friends to come over. I figured, seeing them would make the day seem ok. And when they burst into the room...I was marginally relieved. Not a big deal....if they feel its a day to celebrate..then a celebration it is! We got around to the gift part...calls still coming in-HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY..where's the party man etc etc....I'm still grumbling. I open my first gift of the day. I strictly told them I dint want any gifts. I remind them about that. Who cares what you want!..comes the prompt reply. Its an Apple Magic Mouse! I dint expect it. The sleek little thing in my hand...is a gift. My mind flits to the board games I used to get, or the posters of mickey mouses...all the little things within easy reach and budget. I was never big on gifts..I just appreciated the thought anyway. But when I looked at the sleek little thing in my hand...the exact thing I was staring at in iStore...and looked at my friends...I was suddenly caught up in a strange emotion. I know how much they would've thought before arriving at what to give me. It is'nt a thing. Not just a thing. But something that came with some deep gtalk discussion. A phone call every now and then. And the running around to purchase it. The ignoring of wishes..sigh. Fair enough. 27...magic mouse..hmmm..not bad at all. I wonder at the four people, I consider my family, affections brimming.

We trudge over to my Granny's place and my Aunt's. I make sure I meet my Granny, on Birthdays especially, so she feels she's still very much a part of my life. She can't walk now. So I take myself there. Family meets Family. I see their excitement...its your Birthday...who all called..what did you get...what do you want me to make for you....come have your favorite lemon tea...here's your favorite sweet....here's my gift to you....buy whatever you want..I stuff the thick wad of cash into my backpocket. I'm still wondering...I've spent so many birthdays already...I've cut so many cakes in this very house...so many different groups have been a part of that...I remember those awkward ones...some parties my aunt has thrown for me...and some my grandma has seen..I see my grandfather's picture...he's up there somewhere...laughing at all my thoughts...he always called me "the deep one". My throat catches again. I watch my friends at ease with my family...cracking jokes about being adopted by Shah Rukh Khan. I smile too. But I'm lost in thought. Perhaps capturing this moment in my head. What makes this day different from others?What makes this group special?What makes this Birthday different from the others? I decide to make it worth it for the people who are excited about it. I'm incredibly happy for their presence and the distances they have traversed. My thoughts at this point...sound damp.

The calls keep coming, this time from people I least expect it from. The same old questions....What did you get?Where's my treat?Who all are there?What are you wearing? I answer them all, not missing..the excitement in their voices. I'm a little puzzled. Upon returning to my place..we are waiting for some more close friends to arrive. We are ready with all kinds Biryanis and Non veg. We play Holi downstairs. I love Holi...and I missed playing this time around. Thats another wish taken care of. We come back to my place..multi colored monsters. Bottle of Wine is my next gift. We gather around the table, wine is opened and biryani smells good. The conversations begin. Topics galore. Smiles galore. I relax a little. 27 is really not that bad I think. The afternoon lazes into evening. I consume the conversations we are having. From recipes to plans for the evening and tomorrow. Different kinds of wine, movies, my gadget mania, my click mania, I make sure I take as many pictures as I can. Somehow it feels like a good moment to be in. Dad has invited us all to the Club for more wine. I'm expecting some more close friends to arrive. When they do, cakes with them. I grumble. My aunt and uncle arrive too. It's a gathering and looks like a party. I'm taking in the scene. I'm relaxing a bit more. I'm still receiving calls and texts. Some more unexpected people remember and call. I feel a bit guilty..I'm terrible with Birthdays...I forget..my wishes normally go out two weeks after. I make a note to remember theirs too. The party shifts to the club. Couple of Sulas later, I'm asked to give a speech, I politely decline. I'm choked for some reason. I'm missing my best friend who is'nt here. She texts to tell me..she's sorry she could'nt order flowers, online transactions are not going through. I tell her..I appreciate her thought, I would've liked a Bonsai more. But I'm just glad she's a part of my life. I'm glad I have this moment. I'm glad I have people around me, I can share this moment for me. I look at all the people around me who have taken time out of their lives to be excited for the significance of the day. Maybe each Birthday, is a birth day. We go into the next day with new lessons learnt, new meanings, appreciating the newness of some old feelings. As the day draws to an end. I can't deny the relief...tomorrow onwards I go back to being just another 27 year old on the face of this planet...with haunting confusions...but I feel a bit brave...I feel suffused with some confidence that even if I allow myself to fall, there will be people forcing me to get up. I'm ok. Next day is even better. A friend hosts lunch, we take champagne. We consume the champagne. We toast. We disperse. With several photos taken. Cheers!

I receive my next gift from a colleague I'm very close to. Self confessed shopaholics. We bonded over mutual love for brands and subs at Subway. I have always hoped to imbibe some of his qualities, in the hopes that some day I would be respected the way he is. In any case, thanks to him, I got my best Birthday cake. I cut a Subway sandwich with a candle on the top and a diet coke on the side. I'm a little taken aback. By the sheer thoughtfulness of it all. One could'nt have asked for more, that the people you spend most of your waking hours with, observe your likes and dislikes as well and spend some kind thoughts on you. On his return from Brussels, I'm handed a note -"There's a parcel, dont make noise, go pick it up form security". I go over. I ask about the parcel. And they point to a huge Bose cover. I say, no no a parcel. Gesturing a small square. They point back to it. An emphatic No escapes my mouth. No way.No way hosey. I rush back up to our floor. You're crazy. Have you lost your mind, my friends on the phone. I'm amazed at his gift. I dint expect it. Im blown away. The sounddock is one of my best and favorite gifts so far. It has'nt stopped playing once since. Each time I look at it, I shake my head. The gesture chokes me. The thought belittles me. I feel like a speck in the universe. But here are some people, ensuring that I dont feel like just another speck. I'm moved by this gesture. 27 feels exciting.

I was introduced to someone through my best friend. She is always a bundle of talk. And unknowingly I may have grown fond of her little chatter and presence. Whenever we meet, she always hands me a gift. As she did this time too. Cutest tee and earrings. I have not gotten her anything this time. Who's birthday is it?, she asks. She walked up to me with a elf like grin with the bag behind her, the grin told me...it was a gift. Sigh.

This year's birthday was about big gifts. I look back and I know, I made some really good friends. That's the reason to celebrate about. When I was younger, I used to be excited about my birthday, I'd tell people, "my birthday is 5 days away", so they can go out and get some really good gifts. It was all the wrapped things that used to get us excited. Being here, now, I'm less excited about the gifts I got, I'm more excited about the people. That's what matters I guess. Finding people, who can feel for you, when you feel less about yourself. Knowingly and unknowingly, I've made some lasting bonds, with some people. I'm glad they all came and they all called. They made me feel like I did something worthwhile. It has nothing to do with me, but more to do with their "big"ness. Life has its own surprises. I still have a lot of things to resolve. But then it's fine. I have some good memories to keep me smiling. Turning 27, has'nt been bad at all. I know my gifts.